where do i start?

Wow.  It’s been a while, hasn’t it?  Every time I sit down and think about writing a post my brain freezes up and the words get all jumbled up and come out making absolutely no sense.  I’m going to apologize up front if this post ends up being one long, confusing, run on something…because it very well could turn into that.

I’m actually writing this post because one of my good friends, Hazel of the celtic cowgirl, and I made a pact that by the end of this week we would both have a blog post up. So here I am, sitting at my very messy desk with my dog, Max, annoying my bunny, Luna and Owl City’s newest album on in the background.  So much has happened over the past year.  So much that I don’t know where to start, and I’m not sure I can handle going over it without coming undone.  My life is messy; so messy.  I’ve lost a lot, gone through some hardships…but I’ve also made some great friends.  Some were old friends that I rediscovered, and some are brand new friends.  I’ve made steps towards taking control of my life and growing up (something I am not that fond of if we’re being honest), and I’m currently on my way to being an EMT, and possibly going back to school next fall to become a doctor.

So as of this moment in time, I’m doing pretty good.  I still have periods where it’s a struggle to get out of the bed and I grow tired of going through the same motions day after day, and my anxiety is still very much active (my insomnia is getting ridiculous)…but I’m functioning and most days I can smile and laugh because a friend sends a picture of a sloth, or a hysterical GIF, or just texts me about their day.  And I really do have the best friends and family ;)  Like last November when I lost my childhood dog, Jake, my mom, the week before Christmas, showed up with the world’s cutest (and most neurotic) little Border Collie/Mini Aussie mix as an early Christmas present that I promptly named Maximus, or ‘Max’ (I’ve wanted a border collie for years).  And, yes, he is named after the horse from Tangled.  Don’t judge.

Or when we lost my horse Toby in January…my vet (who was my old boss and a very, very good family friend) and his wife all called me and my sister Hailey to make sure we were all ok and checked in on us periodically, even though I distanced myself from them because my depression flared up and I withdrew from everyone…and because it was so hard to go out to the property and not see his big ol’ orange booty I didn’t ride for 4-5 months (we also almost lost Toby’s brother, Kai, from grief a couple of weeks after Toby passed).  Through this withdrawal my friend, Hannah, would text me and make me check in with her, even though she was going through a brutal time at the Police Academy.

I slowly made my way out of the pit of depression that Toby threw me into and got back into riding Sonny consistently when he one day came up three legged lame.  I called out a vet (not my normal vet) who diagnosed him with navicular and told me my barely 10 year old horse would at most be able to go into light work, or possibly need to be retired altogether.  Once again my depression decided to rear it’s head and for three days I barely left my room because my best friend, and the only thing that had been stable in my life since I was 10 years old was being taken away from me, like everything else in my life.  For a few months I could barely go out to the property except to feed and make sure everyone was still alive.  Then my farrier came out and told me he thought I should get a second opinion, so I did…and it turned out that the previous vet had misdiagnosed him.

Not long after that wonderful piece of news I got another little bun because I missed my old furry little beasts…but that’s another story for another post :)


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