To be completely honest, for a long while now I didn’t have it in me to let myself even think much less feel. I was too hurt, too wounded, too guarded to let anyone or anything see into me in any way, shape, or form. So much has happened over the past few years. Some good, some bad, and some things that will take a long time to heal enough for me to even think on again. But that’s life, isn’t it? It’s hard, it’s bone crushingly hard. People come, and sometimes they stay, but a lot of times they walk out of your life again. Whether that be intentionally or just because the two of you, instead of walking side by side and hand in hand, start to walk down two different paths. I wrote this earlier today on my tumblr and twitter accounts, and it sums up how I’m starting to thaw out and feel again
I’m starting to rediscover who I am and what it is that makes my heart beat. I love brokenness. I love broken people the most. There’s just something about sitting with someone who has been broken and is, or has, put themselves back together that is just so beautiful. This world is beautiful, even though it is filled with darkness and hurt, it’s still stunning and worth living in. People are just beautiful and so broken and stunning in their broken perfection that they’re worth giving everything up for. Everyone, no matter how seemingly broken they feel is perfect in and of themselves and are MADE so beautifully perfect. Everyone deserves to have someone stand by them and love them and fight tooth and nail for them. EVERYONE is worth that. EVERYONE is worth being loved, and everyone is so very loved by their creator even in their sinful state. Gosh! It’s so stunning & awe-inspiring that a PERFECT God made me and you and everyone JUST how he wanted & LOVES us even when we screw up
I’m starting to come back to those dreams I thought I had laid down, the dreams I put off as the fancies of a young girl. I’m starting to look at the world with those eyes that looked and saw people again. Saw past their façade and instead saw their hurt and their pain and loved them for being the beautiful, broken people that they are. Over the past few months I have slowly come to the realization that I have become jaded, I am settling for a life less than the one I have always dreamed of having. I am becoming content with my lot in life. I can’t see others pain anymore. I hurt too much to help others or see when they are hurting themselves. I am stuck in a vicious cycle and I want out. I want to feel again. I want my heart to break into a thousand pieces every day when I see someone else struggling. I want my heart to soar when I see a hawk screaming through the air. I want to sit on the back of a bareback horse and not care that I was sitting on that horse barefoot, helmetless, in a pair of shorts and a bathing suit top. I just want to be happy again. I want to be able to forgive. I want to live a life worth living. I want to laugh instead of growing angry. I don’t want to care what others think of me. I want to be like Jesus in every way and eat with the ‘sinners’. I want to accept everyone with open arms. I want to stop judging. I want to struggle against the bonds of this world. I don’t want to go down without a struggle. I want to fight against injustice and pain and hurt with everything I have in me. I want to use up every ounce of energy I have every day. I want to be able to love, to look at someone, and instead of rolling my eyes and dismissing them because, well, they can’t help me, look at them and wonder how I could help them and make their life easier. I want to become selfless. I want to stop being selfish. I just want to fight against this apathy that has swallowed me whole.