who i want to be

i wrote this prayer a while ago when I was going through a rough time and trying to remember what i wanted, and that what i wanted was good, not evil.  enjoy (i’m also working on a post that deals with the ups and downs we experience in life and how shame is not the way to go when you sin or fall down…it’s a fun post and i am learning so much!  i always feel ashamed when I slip and fall…so much so that i don’t try to get back up and just continue on in the mud because, golly, God must be furious and so disappointed that i slipped up yet again…if you can’t tell it’s a subject near and dear to my heart.)

          Dear God,

     I just wrote out who I want to be as a person. I’m not sure if that is what you have in mind for me, if that’s who You want me to be. But, then I thought about it again. Why wouldn’t You want that for me? I think that’s a better question to ask. I’ve viewed you as a God who loves to take things away and make life difficult for those of us down here, and I’m starting to see just how wrong that view of you is. Over and over again in scripture you call yourself ‘Abba, father’ and say that the earthly father’s among us know what is good for our child, and when our child asks for a fish do not give them a snake and you say that you, who are God and love us more than anyone could ever imagine, are Perfect and won’t you do better by us than that sin-filled, fleshly father? I’ve always viewed you as someone who, if I give you something, will immediately take it away. I couldn’t understand how much you loved us and truly want what is best for us and are the only being that truly does know what is best for us!

     God, everything I just wrote I believe you want for me. You want me to grow more in you, you want me to become more grace-filled. You want me to be filled with love, to live a love-filled life. You want me to hate what you hate and love what you love. You say so in your word! Then why do I think you wouldn’t want that for me? Why do I think that maybe you want me to be crass and loud when I don’t want to be that? When I don’t find that beautiful or attractive? I don’t think you do either. Every woman I have ever met that was firmly grounded in you has been the sweetest, kindest, gentlest human being I have ever met. They move behind the scenes and are content in their role. I believe that people grow loud and crass when they are uncomfortable or trying to fill a void that only you can fill! God, I want that. I want it so badly God.

     I want to move with grace. I want to be kind. I want to be gentle. I want to really be compassionate. God, I want to see You in others! I want to see the person You see when you look at someone. I want to see the real them, the person behind the mask, the person you created them to be! God, I want to see that and help call that out of them! God, I want to live a life of love and grace. I want to be able to smile. I want to really love. I want to be courageous enough to tell others of you and the miracles you are working in my life. God, I want to see miracles! I want to perform them! I want to dream dreams! I want to see visions! I want to pray with all of the strength of you! I want to pray effectively! I want to hear you and your voice! I want to talk with you! I want to be loved by you! I want to rest in you! I want to know who I am! I want to love like you! I want to hate like you! God, I want you to well up in me and just pour out of me like an overflowing cup so that whoever comes near me is touched by you and your presence. God, I want to never stop becoming more and more like you. I want to find my rest in you.

     In Jesus’ Name,
                       Amen

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